My Grandmother

I'm almost finished with my second glass of muscadine wine, and have just in the last half hour finished listening to a podcast on Witchy Living. It covered mostly ancestral veneration, and a small portion was on beginners spell casting.

It was the first podcast that also incorporated live chat on the Witchy Living forum, and I must say it was a lot of fun. I plan on catching more podcasts/chats in the future.

The show tonight inspired me to start thinking about my own ancestors and the experiences I've had with them. There are three main experiences, specifically. And all of them very poignant. It was within these experiences that I realized just how close and accessible and THERE my ancestors are. It's almost an overwhelming feeling, but a very cozy and comfortable feeling as well. But who comes to mind most poignantly when speaking of my ancestors, is the only grandmother (or grandparent, for that matter) that I ever knew.

She passed on when I was in the second grade, so my memories of her are few vivid and many clouded. I remember when I was little and we would drive up to visit her every weekend, I would jump out of my parent's vehicle and literally run to her as fast as I could. I loved her very much.

My grandmother had quiet a bit of Native American in her appearance, too. I believe she must have been 1/8th. As I studied a little of my Cherokee heritage over the years after her passing, and came to recognize certain physical features of the lineage, I began to notice even more of the heritage in her through a small framed picture I have of her. It's been on my bedroom dresser as long as I can remember, and I look at it everyday. Knowing that our heritage was so strong in her, it inspired me to be respectful to it and to take great pride in it.

What is so astounding to me, is how many times I've 'seen' her in person throughout the years. What I mean, is that I've seen her in other people. When I worked at the local newspaper, I was standing on the back balcony taking a smoke break, and from there I had a view of the front entrance of the municipal building. One day, which was a gray cloudy drizzly day, and one day after having dreamed of her, I saw an elderly lady with black hair and the same height and build as my grandmother walk into that building. I watched from the time she came into view until she disappeared into that building, and was absolutely astounded by what I'd just witnessed. I truly thought for many moments that I was witnesses my deceased grandmother walking in this world. Along with this moment, came one of the strongest, embracing chills I'd ever experienced. I couldn't move for several moments. I literally wanted to run over there and make this woman turn around just to prove that I wasn't imagining that event unfold. But I knew what I was seeing, and it made me both happy and to hurt at the same time, because I was happy that my grandmother had made contact with me, even in a small way, and sad that I was able to physically embrace her one last time.

Many more of these encounters have happened numerous times over the years. I would see her in other people, and would become awestruck. The most recent time happened just a few days ago. And what was so incredible about this time was that I was seeing her in a black woman! This lady was a guest at the hotel I work in and this was also the first time I'd ever had a chance to speak to someone who I'd recognized my grandmother in. She was a very sweet lady, and I swear it! that she was the black version of my passed grandmother! I managed to converse with her naturally, but the entire time, I wanted so badly to tell her she reminded me SO much of my deceased grandmother! I refrained though, because I thought for sure this black lady would think this white girl was out of her mind for saying such a thing!

There was another time that my grandmother came to me, but that time was much more magical to me. It was during a Samhain gathering, and she was one of the ancestors that came to stand near me. I was new to these ways, and so I just sort of opened myself and the occasion up to anyone that had passed before me, that was willing to come. One of these was of course my grandmother, and honestly, I was a bit surprised that she wasn't more disapproving than what she was. I mean, she didn't seem to agree with what was going on, but she didn't feel to be scalding me in any way either. I think she understood that I just wanted to feel her presence again, in a way that was nothing but respectful and honoring of her.

I don't have a shrine to any of my ancestors, but I guess if you wanted to, you could call my dresser the permanent shrine to my paternal grandmother. Her picture has been placed there for YEARS, probably ever since I was about thirteen, and she has been placed there again and again after several moves. That is HER place. Nothing else belongs there but her. And that's the way intend it to say through many more years.

Thunderstorms and Astral Travel

There is an absolutely amazing summer thunderstorm over us right now, and I'm outside on my front porch enjoying the hell out of it. It's been over two weeks since we had a good rain, or any rain at all for that matter, and the temps have been with a 105 degree heat index. So this storm is SO welcome, on so many levels.

I like to think I blog better when it's raining, or at least I seem to enjoy doing it that much more during these times.

On a forum I frequent, called Witchy Living, there is a chat discussion scheduled for 8pm Monday evening on the matters of astral travel and distance healing. I'm really really hoping I can manage to participate in this discussion. Distance healing is probably not something I could contribute a lot to, but astral travel is something I have always been very interested in, having actually experienced it, so I'm hoping to be able to share that experience, and to learn from what others have to say about their opinions and experiences.

I tried to meditate again last night. But I fell asleep instead. Again.

I hate to say this, but I sometimes I feel like I'm trying to force my spirituality onto myself.

I'm simply past those young teenage days when it's all I thought about and all I really wanted to discuss with anyone. It's almost as if I've become extremely comfortable with myself and my beliefs, and now I have no where else to go with it. But I know that's not true. I know there's TONS of stuff out there I could be studying and learning about. For one, I don't know where to begin, and for another, I don't know how I'll ever find the right amount of time. I need to understand that I don't have to practice EVERYTHING I learn about, but knowledge is power, right??

There was a time when that's pretty much all I did...I studied. I studied numerology, astrology, I studied the various forms of satanism, I studied the tarot and medicine cards. I was part of a another group that had VERY knowledgeable people in it. And of course I studied various forms of witchcraft and lessor magics. I studied symbols and I meditated and I interpreted my dreams. I studied OBE's and like was mentioned earlier, astral travel. Not only did I study these things, but I was living them, too.

I was so into it all. And now, I don't read up on or study or pay much attention to any of it.

It makes sad, because sometimes I feel like I am seriously missing out. It has always been a part of me, and always will be. So why can't I devote myself to it anymore??

That's why I started this blog, to sort of help myself along. Give myself a place to focus. Because that way in my life is calling to me again, and it's getting harder and harder to ignore it. I need a starting point, and trying to become more involved with Witchy Living and through keeping up this blog, I'm hoping to stay on the right track.

I don't discuss these things with Patrick. I honestly don't think he'd really understand where I was coming from, but at the same time I feel like he would be supportive of whatever I wanted to do. So that's a definite plus.

I have mixed feelings about exposing my kids to too many of my beliefs and practices, too. I truly want my children to grow up as untainted as possible, so that they can more freely decide for themselves what exactly it is that works for them. So I feel like I also have to find a way to not necessarily keep things secret from them, but to let them grow naturally into things.

But I suppose that's all I have for now. I'm going to head over to Witchy Living and attempt to put my two cents in the astral travel discussion...

Spiritual Atheism

That's what I call myself...a spiritual atheist.

According to Dictionary.com:
spiritual
–adjective
1. of, pertaining to, or consisting of spirit; incorporeal.
2. of or pertaining to the spirit or soul, as distinguished from the physical nature: a spiritual approach to life.
3. closely akin in interests, attitude, outlook, etc.: the professor's spiritual heir in linguistics.
4. of or pertaining to spirits or to spiritualists; supernatural or spiritualistic.
5. characterized by or suggesting predominance of the spirit; ethereal or delicately refined: She is more of a spiritual type than her rowdy brother.
6. of or pertaining to the spirit as the seat of the moral or religious nature.
7. of or pertaining to sacred things or matters; religious; devotional; sacred.
8. of or belonging to the church; ecclesiastical: lords spiritual and temporal.
9. of or relating to the mind or intellect.

And
atheist
–noun
a person who denies or disbelieves the existence of a supreme being or beings.
Origin:
1565–75; < Gk áthe(os) godless + -ist

Synonyms:
Atheist, agnostic, infidel, skeptic refer to persons not inclined toward religious belief or a particular form of religious belief. An atheist is one who denies the existence of a deity or of divine beings. An agnostic is one who believes it impossible to know anything about God or about the creation of the universe and refrains from commitment to any religious doctrine. Infidel means an unbeliever, especially a nonbeliever in Islam or Christianity. A skeptic doubts and is critical of all accepted doctrines and creeds.

Sorry to bombard you with definitions like that, but I feel it's necessary. A lot of people don't understand how a person can be both spiritual and an atheist at the same time, and I think these two definitions exemplify just how that IS possible.

As an atheist, I do not believe in any gods or goddesses. I simply do not believe in any one-power, all-knowing, super-human being that has control over the entire universe or our individual lives. I believe that WE are in control of our lives, through the decisions that we make. Simply put, that's simply how I see it.

As for being spiritual, there are a lot of things I DO believe in. But mainly, in specific terms of being spiritual, I do believe there is SO much more to this world and to our ourselves than what sits upon the surface. I believe there's a lot more that we can connect to beyond the things that we perceive with our basic five senses. I do believe in the power of the sixth sense, that of the Third Eye.

According to Wikipedia:
The third eye (also known as the inner eye) is a mystical and esoteric concept referring in part to the ajna (brow) chakra in certain Eastern and Western spiritual traditions. It is also spoken of as the gate that leads within to inner realms and spaces of higher consciousness. In New Age spirituality, the third eye may alternately symbolize a state of enlightenment or the evocation of mental images having deeply-personal spiritual or psychological significance. The third eye is often associated with visions, clairvoyance (which includes the ability to observe chakras and auras) [1], precognition, and out-of-body experiences, and people who have allegedly developed the capacity to utilize their third eyes are sometimes known as seers.

So those are the very very basics of my belief structure. There will be more in depth descriptions, explanations, and experiences shared as this blog rolls along, but for now, I'll just leave it at that.

Learning the Ropes

I love to blog, and I already have another blog I keep up at http://slyshideout.wordpress.com. It's a blog about anything and everything...just whatever comes to mind that I want to share.

I used to not be much of a people-person, but as of late, I've been becoming more and more sociable. And with that, has come an increased desire in me to communicate with a wide range of people. Even when I didn't like being around people and had such high distrust for them, I have still always felt this need to communicate with people in some form. A desire to have my voice heard.

That's how I came to really enjoy blogging. I actually have several regular readers at my Wordpress blog, and I hope to gain several here as well.

This blog's content, I plan to have a bit more streamlined. There's an aspect to my life that not everyone is open to, but that I still would like to share. Because I have such a wide range of readers at Wordpress, I thought it might be a good idea to start a new blog here, where I can concentrate all of my 'other' thoughts. I do intend to invite a few of my regular readers who are accepting and open-minded to join me over here from Wordpress, as well.

Thank you to Cairelle, a new friend of mine, for introducing me to her blog here and for peaking my interest in it, and for the idea to start my own.

The content that will be concentrated here will revolve around my atheism and also around my spirituality. There will be musings about how I started out, where I've been, where I am now, where I intend to go, etc. You get the idea I'm sure. This may be slow going at first, because this is all new to me...sharing that information so publicly. But I hope you will bear with me.

So that's all I have for now. Just a quick introduction concerning what I'm about here. Thanks for reading if you made it this far, and I hope you'll stick around!